Month: December 2011

Say It Ain’t So


The existence of tomato sauce flavored chips is about as foreign to me as tomato sauce flavored chips. Gross! Apparently lots of things come in tomato sauce, aka ketchup, flavor.

I just found this new delicious restaurant slash craft beer bar not too far from my apartment called Bitter Suite. Beers are awesome, and expensive, and awesome. Yum Sunshine Coast Brewery Porter! Also, the food ain’t too shabby. Pork belly with succulent crackle, mmm whah (like a smack on the tip of your fingers). I just returned from there. Love that the owner recognized me and my love for Porter’s from a few weeks back. Yeah girlfriend.

I fly to New York in less than one week from today. I was hoping my killer tan would impress everyone, I’m not sure if it’s so killer anymore. I was told to not forget my roots when inquiring about how freezing the temperature actually is. Damn’it, its freezing! Back to the beach. Not sure if I can squeeze a last minute sesh in, however would like to point out that the last two occasions I was at the beach, my bathing suit bottoms, known in Aussie slang as togs, were on inside out. Twice! Yes, twice I’ve been lazily tanning and minding my tanning business to have someone point out, “Oh hey dude, you know your bottoms are on inside out!” Uh…twice, really?!?!

There is a rule many folk may be familiar with which states “no shirt, no shoes, no service”. I would like to tell you that that rule does not apparently apply in Australia. No shirt, no problem. Boys don’t wear shirts, a lot. Actually, if they do, it’s probably a singlet, which is what they call a tank top. Which I hear only Californian surfer boys wear, and FYI no one on the US East coast would ever be caught dead in. There is also a tendency to not wear shoes. Like a lot, again. Most often I see this in grocery stores. Service is all of a different standard, so no problem.

I’m back in time a bit, but as the much anticipated Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I was released, I was pleasantly entertained at the Blue Room Cinebar in Rosalie, a cute suburb crawling with eateries of all cuisine and alfresco seating, displaying much cuteness in every direction (apparently I’m not one with words this evening). Anyways, Blue Room, tickets cost an appreciated $11 in advance, they have a swinging bar to socialize in before the show, and you order bevies and food prior to taking your assigned seat in the small 50 person theatre and they feed you as you watch the movie. Another wine? Press the button and it magically appears while I stare into Edward Cullen’s dreamy eyes and imagine running my hands through his bouffant.

In the US there is this fabulous reality TV show called Beauty and the Geek where they pair “beauties” of super hot chicks who aren’t meant to be fairly intellectually challenged with even the basics of life, with a “geek” who has most likely never a kissed a girl and is unaware of pop culture phenomenon’s. Heaven must love TV series creators! They were smart enough to run Season 2 of Beauty and the Geek Australia, thank G, and although it has expired I had intentions of blogging about its addictive nature months ago, as the Geeks got sweet makeovers and all the sudden turned hot. Just saying, download that for some amusing entertainment, hello Gilly!

Spike, the damn lizard who has lots of relatives that sprawl all over Brisbane, is technically a Goanna. Just thought everyone should know.

While working in Hoboken, New Jersey from 2007 to 2011 my local bar was called The Dubliner. It was an Irish pub that served awesome cole slaw till the management changed and annoyingly took the cole slaw off the menu. I would just say to Ben, the bartender, side of slaw and Yeungling please! And could sit there for hours. Things changed over the years, but that was the gist of it.

The “pub” next to my work now is called The Coro. There is no weekly Thursday HH (happy hour) like there was in Hoboken, but on the occasion that we do go there all bottled beers are only $5, even deliciousness like Leffe. The toilets are see-through until you press the lock, then it goes cloudy so people can’t see you doing your business. These are the vast differences of the Dubliner verses the Coro. I still secretly favor the Dubliner in the old days, where you could sit there with a pint of Guinness by yourself and listen to the Fratellis. Luckily a new boutique beer bar called Scratch just opened in the Milton neighborhood that may soon to be the Coro replacement.

I’m going to quote my friend Anthony who said at the Coro “I’m pretty sure Australia created the plastic currency that’s now used around the world, except in America because your money is made from paper.” Have a think about that.

Finding Nemo


If you’ve been to the Caribbean, a common pastime of east coasters, you may or may not know that there are about 40 species of fish you can encounter while snorkeling through its tropical blue water. The Great Barrier Reef has over 400. This made my odds of finding Nemo a lot more in his favor.

The GBR

Another fun fact: The Great Barrier Reef, or what I like to refer to as the GBR, is the only living thing that can be seen from space. It’s true.

Stinger season is in session!

One may perceive Cairns (pronounced ‘cans’), Queensland’s gateway to the GBR, to be filled with long sandy beaches and palm trees swaying amongst coconut groves. But interestingly enough, you cannot swim in Cairns. The beach is sanctioned off in the center of the city as the odds of getting stung by a jellyfish known as a stinger, or crossing paths with a saltwater crocodile, are high. Instead they built a manmade lagoon, with sand and palm trees and public toilets and the works, directly next to the ocean. It’s basically a big public pool with not as much of the skeevy jeevies that you would get in an inner city public pool because the sun is shining brightly and you’re looking at a beautiful ocean – the gateway to the GBR people.

The Lagoon in Cairns

The city of Cairns is a crossroads of tourist shops, tourist restaurants, and tour companies. It’s a town that thrives on tourism. It’s also a town full of backpackers. No trip would be complete without a night out a Gilligan’s, hostel slash club, with friends Diana and Sean who trekked all the way across the world from sunny Arizona and cold weather turning New York. Stepping out from the airport and into the lobby, flashbacks of being there exactly one year to the date got me excited for what was ahead.  I was in horror when I heard the Macarena played later on out on the patio bar, not because I’m a Cha Cha Slide advocate, but because who seriously plays the Macarena in 2011? It was nothing an inevitable stop off at Pie Face wouldn’t cure. We ended the night with Sean and I, what we thought was whispering, doing calculations of the time difference on his iPhone to set the alarm for the early rise to Port Douglas in the morning.

Gilligans, where class happens

So, although Cairns is characteristically the gateway to the GBR, recommendations from friends advised that because of the masses of tourists, the part of the reef most often visited from the Cairns jump off point is fairly damaged and less exotic. That just meant I could have an excuse to visit somewhere I haven’t been before, beautiful Port Douglas.

All the guide books say that Port Dougie is where the celebs and fancy pants rich people like to go. It’s also where laid back hippies and backpackers on no sort of time allotment go too. We didn’t fit into either of those categories however decided to journey the hour north, sandwiched between the coast on our right and the Daintree Rainforest on our left.

Arriving in Port Dougie I wasn’t sure what to expect. Strung along Four Mile Beach sit exclusive beach havens mixed amongst low budget rooms for rent. The town is a strip of high end restaurants serving fresh fish and relaxed pubs with cover bands. There are two gelaterias. There are also a handful of tourist shops and tour companies. Apparently back in the day Port Douglas used to be the biggest port that far north, now its Cairns. Regardless the whole vibe of the town screams relaxation station.

Four Mile Beach, Port Douglas

We pull in to Dougies, what a place. Firstly, they provide a free bus from Cairns all the way up the coast. They’re a five minute walk to the beach, and a twenty minute walk into town. On first impression I see people reading books in canvas hammocks hanging from palm trees, knapping on wooden beach recliners and cooling off from the scorching heat in the pool. We got escorted to our 3 person room, tv and air con a plus, and walk through the lounge where Jack Johnson plays in the background, the aroma from couples cooking lunch in the large kitchen fills the room, as a few young backpackers play Snooker in the corner while drinking $9 pitchers of beer. I decided at that moment that life was awesome.

For about $1 an hour we rented bikes from the friendly staff and rode fifteen minutes or so, away from town, to the Wildlife Habitat. Sean was on a mission to feed a kangaroo and damnit we were gonna see some roo! The combination of hangover, coupled with 90 degree heat, coupled with what I thought was going to be a leisurely bike ride turned strenuous,  had me on the verge of passing out. Luckily there was a cheap sausage sizzle happening at the grocery store next to the park. For those who don’t know what a sausage sizzle is, it’s basically sausages from the grill thrown in a piece of bread, and can often times be organized to raise money for charity or provide cheap eats. Right, Gatorade and sizzle, I’m ready to feed some roo.

Entry to the Wildlife Habitat costs a steep $32 but we deemed it worth it since we booked a cheaper snorkel trip for the following day. Plus, this was Sean and Diana’s one shot to see a live kangaroo and Koala. We arrived just in time for the Koala presentation where we learned heaps, a very commonly and overused Australian slang for “lots of”, information about the cute creatures. Yes, they bite. Yes, they are known for getting Chlamydia, and yes they are native to Australia because they only eat Eucalyptus, which is poisonous too them if they intake too much. So much for “cute”.

Diana meets Koala

After the Koala presentation we stuck around to pet a baby crocodile while learning about the key differences of that and the American alligator. Considering saltwater crocs have been known to be found in the ocean from time to time, I inquired about who would win a croc-shark showdown. May the bigger man win it seems, however, put one of each equally qualified in a tank and then let’s see what goes down.

The layout of the place was well organized, as were the animal presentations, so when we took our bag of roo feed over to the grasslands area to see the little hopping guys in action, boy were we surprised! Firstly, attack of the birds! Holy moley, these birds knew when we opened the gate that people meant food, and with that, these birds meant business. Next thing I knew I was on one side of the park avoiding the masses while Diana and Sean were on the other. I found myself face to face with the largest kangaroo I’ve ever seen, and he just stood there, for a long long time. He must have been 4 foot high. He was definitely alive, but he didn’t move much.  He was either as zoned out as the hippies who frequent Port Douglas, or was just as much trying to avoid the annoying birds as I was.

The largest Kangaroo in the world!

After a chilled out evening and early rise, I was finally ready to go find Nemo. We booked our snorkel and intro dive tour on Calypso, one of the popular tour companies in the area. Rushing to get prime seating of reclining chairs on the top deck, we lubed up on sun screen as we headed an hour and half so away from mainland into the outer reef.  Sean and Diana bravely attempted their first ever scuba dive down to the bottom of the coral floor, while I contemplated way too long to wear a wetsuit before nervously jumping in to snorkel solo until they returned. We stopped at two more reef sites where I saw amazing things like giant clams the size of a small child, coral in every color of the rainbow, and most excitingly, a sea turtle! He just was super chilled out as he swam his way past our group and let us follow him along the reef.  I have to give Calypso props for their professionalism on the water, knowledge base of the reef, and beer selection for the ride home.

Calypso and the GBR

We had another quick wander through town just as the sun was setting and the bats started to come out for the bat party. Now, there are bats here in Brissy, I see them from my balcony, but up in Cairns and Port Dougie there is a serious bat coven happening. Right at dusk and dawn you will begin to hear them screeching, tons of them, and if you look up the sky just swarms with them – all on their way to the bat party I suppose.

There’s a serious bat problem in these parts

To add to the odds of random things we encountered all weekend, freakishly tall roos and bat parties included, with exhaustion from the sun we decided to pick up some pizzas and have a quiet one in the lounge. To our surprise, as the place was crawling with backpackers who apparently didn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon, we had assumed the kitchen was equipped with an oven. Nope. Its 7 pm on a Sunday night, we’re in Australia, we’re in very rural Australia, our options of things being open are slim to none. Time to improvise.

Sean attempts to cook the pizza in a frying pan over the stove. I slice bread and serve it out of a spaghetti strainer. Diana mixes salad into a soup pot. We have one fork to share. As the pizza cooks we notice the invisible ants that seem to be crawling everywhere in the place. A cockroach shimmies across the counter. We pour salsa in a pot lid to dip our chips in. Don’t worry, this $9 pitcher round is on me. But the big question is should I have it with the delicacy of pepperoni and ants or cheese and mosquito? Mmm, exquisite.

Fine Dining

So after reading this whole long big entry your insides must be screaming, but did you ever see Nemo? I did, I saw him, a few of him actually and of bunch of other amazingly looking fish. I went to bed Sunday evening spraying around my bed with insect repellent and journeyed back to Cairns the next day to hang by myself at the lagoon while Diana and Sean drove down to the Whitsundays.  It was a weekend I expected to just be a quick fling to the GBR but in the end it turned out to be a true a vacation, alas.